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On Sale. Or Not.

99¢ Dreams has long been my favorite 99-cent store. It is the kind of realist thinking that allows people to feel good about themselves. Why reach for the stars when you can reach for an offbrand 59-watt light bulb?

But there is no such thing as a free lunch, even in 99¢ Dreamland.

Brooklyn Shopkeepers Can't Make Up Their Minds

On a recent walk along New York Avenue in Brooklyn, I saw two signs that point to some serious schizophrenia on the part of the store owners. The first appears on the entry door of a bodega -- and leads to a lot of Midvale-School hilarity -- but the second points to yet another reason why the terrorists hate us: the way America changes Muslims that move here.

I can't decide what would upset Osama more: that bacon is considered halal or that the deli sells bagels.

Children are our future

The New York Times' Metropolitan Diary can be pretty cloying at times, but today they seem to have really outdone themselves, snobbery-wise:

Dear Diary:

On a Sunday afternoon recently, I was walking down Fifth Avenue right next to a man and his daughter, who was about 6. As we passed Cartier, the girl asked, “What is Cartier?”

He said. “It’s the American Girl Place for big girls” (American Girl Place is that upscale doll store), and I burst out laughing.

So he laughed and said, “Isn’t it?” and I said, “Oh, you are teaching her early.”

He smiled and I said, “Why not!”

I can think of a few reasons...

Needlessly Electronic

By now you've I'm sure seen the news about the new "Here and Now" Monopoly, the one in which they replaced the wheelbarrow with McDonald's fries, the flat iron with a Starbuck's coffee, the car with a flying car. You may not have noticed, however, that the UK version of Here and Now also replaced the money with debit cards. I'm not going to get into what this may imply for the future our retail skills (although the American version did replace the real-world bank notes with bills on the magnitude of 200k and up). What I'm more interested in is that a previously people-powered game now requires batteries.

This summer, I went into the woods with some friends and a newly shrink-wrapped version of Scattergories. Imagine our gamerage when we opened the box to find the usual spring-wound timer replaced with an electronic one requiring batteries. And a screwdriver. Neither of which we had or were in proximity to having. What was wrong with the wind-up one? I'm assuming the battery-powered timer costs Hasbro a half-cent less to manufacture, and the rest of us that much more (for the batteries and the chemical waste). Middling, I know, but it all adds up.

Which brings me to the enMotion system of paper towel dispensers. They have quietly replaced every restaurant bathroom dispenser from here to everywhere in the past year or so. What was once hand-cranked now takes 4 D-cell batteries (and is apparently built not to dispense, the more frantically you wave your hands in front of it). Restaurateurs see it as a boon precisely because it is so hard to get the towels out. You can't yank out three yards, ball it up, and throw it on the floor.

What I want to know is: what's more of a waste? Chronic paper towel use or all the hundreds of thousands of batteries we're going to be tossing out? Anybody know how to figure that out?

Lincoln Ads

I'm under no illusion that car ads are made to sell cars and not to promote alternative transportation, but there're a couple recent Lincoln ads that have gone a step further. The first has Dwayne Wade pulling up to an urban basketball court in his Navigator, replacing the hoops, flooding the kids with balls, and tossing the keys to the coach. He then squeaks away in the shadow of a tractor trailer on a child-sized bike. The obvious point here is Wade is making such a tremendous sacrifice that he's got no option other than to ride a shitty little bike home. Put aside the ridiculous idea that Wade doesn't have the cash to call a cab (or that it's somehow more virtuous to suffer along with those you're helping) and you're left with the notion that people who ride bikes to get anywhere do so because they can't afford a car. Or a properly-fitting and well-oiled bike, for that matter.

The second is for the MKX (couldn't find a clip). Suburban guy kisses his wife and kid, heads off to work. On the drive, he phones in for his messages, makes business small talk. He then arrives... back home (!) and it turns out his wife is his secretary and his kid is his meeting manager. Or something. This guy loves to drive his car so much that he literally goes on a morning commute to nowhere.

The bike thing, fine. Good for a cheap laugh. I don't begrudge anybody for not using a bike for transportation because we've built our roads to be deathtraps. But the commuter one is pretty much everything that's wrong with our car culture. The idea that someone who has no need to add to the gridlock and pollution and waste of the morning drive would do so just because he can is exactly the mindset that has brought us as far as we are down the road of unsustainability.

Marketing, crystallized

If you've ever lost a minute of sleep, concerned that commercial speech isn't given its due under the First Amendment, please take a second to consider this sentence from a weekend obituary for Dick Kress* former President of Norelco:

To counter a problem that Norelco's two rotary heads, intended to give greater comfort, took longer to shave, Mr. Kress changed the product name to "Speedshaver"

I'd wonder what the weather was like in Hell, Mr. Kress, but my skin is just so smooth!

* This article is for subscribers only - until now.

Richard Q. Kress (1927-2006)
'Norelco Man' Boldly Marketed Electric Shavers

A 'Gotcha!' Television Ad
Nicked Blade Competitors;
He Liked to See Red

By ELLEN BYRON and STEPHEN MILLER
November 25, 2006; Page A6

Costumed as the "Norelco Man," Dick Kress zipped along a cable suspended between two buildings and tangled with a professional fighter named Mark the Butcher. He also liked to don a Stetson hat with a band of the electric-shaver company's rotary heads.

He preferred the motivational stunts at sales meetings because he claimed to be a shy public speaker. But there was nothing timid about Mr. Kress's marketing, which gave Norelco command of the electric-shaver market by boldly confronting blade shaving.

He thrived in an era of dueling prime-time television ads and legal battles starting in the 1970s, when advertisers first were allowed to name the competition. Norelco steadily built its market share to about 60% from about 20% during Mr. Kress's 18 years as president of Norelco, then a division of North American Philips Corp., which eventually became wholly owned by Philips Electronics NV, based in the Netherlands. His "innate genius ... manifested itself in taking chances," former Norelco Vice President John Gray says of Mr. Kress, who died Oct. 14 at age 78.

Dick Kress in one of the barber chairs he kept in his office.

When he strayed from shaving, though, Mr. Kress faltered. He led Norelco into what he called "other rooms of the house" with a slew of electric devices ranging from coffee makers, toaster ovens and can openers to home-security systems and portable vacuum cleaners. He abruptly retired in 1986 after what former colleagues describe as disagreements with his counterparts at parent company Philips. Philips eventually disposed of almost all of his product extensions, which fell short of the success of Norelco's electric razors.

When Mr. Kress joined North American Philips Corp. as advertising director in 1963, Norelco was an established brand best known for holiday ads showing Santa dashing through the snow on an electric razor, renaming the company "Noelco" with the tagline, "Even our name says Merry Christmas."

Gillette's aggressive marketing of its disposable razors had eroded gains made by electric shavers in the 1950s. Mr. Kress first focused on gaining share against other electric shavers, including Remington, Sunbeam and Schick. To counter a problem that Norelco's two rotary heads, intended to give greater comfort, took longer to shave, Mr. Kress changed the product name to "Speedshaver" -- "at least leaving the impression that it shaved fast," Mr. Gray says. Philips engineers later added a third shaving head for greater speed.

Mr. Kress prevailed against Remington in court battles, winning fights over the exclusive use of the "Tripleheader" term, fending off antitrust allegations to sell shavers under the Schick name after it purchased the company's electric-razor assets, and asserting its boast that the Norelco shaver was selected for use by the 1983 Challenger astronauts.

In 1974, dissatisfied with incremental gains against other electric-shaver makers, Mr. Kress declared war on razor blades, still the dominant way of shaving. One memorable TV ad depicted a man slathered in shaving cream, suddenly grimacing from a razor nick. The word "Gotcha!" filled the screen. The ad "changed the market for Norelco," says Royal Bruce Montgomery, who worked on Norelco campaigns at McCaffrey & McCall, then the company's ad agency.

Mr. Kress diversified into coffee makers with equal zeal, challenging then-leader Mr. Coffee and its ad spokesman, baseball great Joe DiMaggio. Norelco signed comedian Danny Thomas, who had been a spokesman for Maxwell House coffee. "Danny and Dick were kindred spirits," Mr. Montgomery says. "They both smoked enormous cigars. When Danny was on the set shooting a commercial for us, Dick was there too."

Former colleagues say Mr. Kress was guided by simple rules. Among them: "Only hire those people you would invite to your home to play poker," recalls Pat Dinley, who worked with Mr. Kress and was Norelco's president from 1991 to 2002. Product packaging could be any color "as long as it's red." At football games, Mr. Kress would remind companions how easy it was to spot red shirts in the crowd.

By his 1986 retirement, Mr. Kress said that during his tenure as president Norelco had sold more than 55 million electric razors. In 1993, Mr. Kress briefly became president of an old competitor, Remington Rand, a division of Remington Products Co.

In addition to the selloff of his diversifications after he left Norelco, Mr. Kress witnessed the gradual decline of the electric-shaving segment and Norelco's share. The segment's $666 million in annual sales are about 2% lower than seven years ago and dwarfed by the $1.8 billion razor-blade market, while Remington has about a 39% electric-shaver share versus Norelco's 33%, according to Euromonitor, a market researcher.

But Mr. Kress remained loyal. In his bathroom, according to longtime companion Kathy Wagner, a Norelco electric shaver still sits on a gold-plated dish.

And while I'm being all incensed at TV commercials...

Enterprise Rent-a-Car apparently has no plans to ever stop running their class-reunion TV spot. You've seen it—the guy is eager to impress the Class of 1994, so he pulls up in a rented Cadillac. Because, sure, you don't want to look like a failure at the all-important TWELVE-year reunion.

Achoo-cadabra, Part Deux

I warned America, but no one took action. So the cold-and-flu medication industry's dalliance with the dark forces continues. Now TheraFlu claims to bring ghosts back to life.

Hitler Youth Is Served

Cheers to the caption savant at the Park Slope Courier, who stumbled into the perfect tag for this photo of teenage douchebag Walter Petryk.

BuzzFeed: Buzz with a Brain

Yesterday, Contagious Media founder and HuffPo macher Jonah Peretti launched BuzzFeed, his latest foray into the world of viral communications. Among its categories is a neat section on de-gentrification (a word that has just sent a chill up my future net worth).

BuzzFeed combines a web-searching function to identify stories that are beginning to catch fire with editorial mediation, so it isn't just another list of videos of dudes getting kicked in the balls. (NB: Such videos are, of course, hilarious. But if I want to see one, I'll just search YouTube.)

For more on Jonah Peretti's take on viral media, check out his Stay Free! interview in Issue 25.

London charges SUVs $50 to enter; could New York be next?

How's this for a transportation alternatives: the major of London recently announced plans to charge SUVs $50 to enter his fine city. Tiny electric cars, in contrast, pay zero.

The timing couldn't be better for those of us in New York: today a coalition of 125 organizations announced its five-point for traffic reform, including... yes, congestion pricing (point #5). (Points #1-4 are pretty cool too, including my favorite, traffic calming.)

The coalition behind this deserves serious brownie points for coming up with a name that even Frank Luntz could love: the Citywide Coalition for Traffic Relief. (What right-minded person could oppose traffic relief?) Let's hope they have their way with City Hall.

(via the most excellent Streetsblog)

Green Means Dead?

Photo taken on the corner of 42nd Street and Madison

(Via Curbed)

Free anti-SUV postcards

In our effort to tidy up the basement, we're giving away stacks of anti-SUV postcards. If you'd like a bunch, we just ask that you help cover the postage. Send  $3 via paypal to paypal at stayfreemagazine.org and let us know your address and how many you'd like (from 50 to 300). You must live in the USA (sorry, aliens - the postage is just too expensive).

Return to the Appelation Trail

A few years back I wrote an article about my evil, right-wing doppelgänger, another Jason Torchinsky.

As I mention in my old article, 'Jason Torchinsky' is an unusual name, so when another one comes along, it's a big deal. At least to me. And, when that other one is a fairly weasely wingnut who's involved in underhanded vote-supression campaigns, it becomes an even bigger deal.

See, I've worked hard to insure that the name "Jason Torchinsky" conjures up that special mix of quality products, whimsey, and idiocy which we all crave. So when there's another entity out there abusing the 'Jason Torchinsky' name and reputation, I need to take action.

I offered this pretender the opportunity to pick an entirely new name out of the phone book, on me. Any one he wants. I never recieved an answer. I was fair. I sent a warning letter, I was born first, and have done more to promote the name than he had. Now I'm done with fair, since 'fair' doesn't really seem to be a concept this yutz respects, based on his current employ and works. So I'm asking you, dear internet, to please help me enforce my name's rights.

We need to decide on a new name for the former alternate 'Jason Torchinsky'. His middle name is "Brett", so, ostensibly he could go by "J. Brett Torchinsky." But I'm not crazy about his use of "Torchinsky" at all, frankly. Ever since my great-grandfather Torchinsky stole his tugboat and beat it across the Black Sea to avoid the Czar's conscription, the Torchinsky name has been associated with a healthy dose of defiance and a certain anti-establishment quality. And perhaps tugboat larceny, none of which J.Brett Torchinsky seems interested in.

I could pick something nice and juvenile, like Chockfull Dampdiapers or Dorkworth McNumbnuts, but I'm not certain I need to go that route. Yet. So, I'm open to suggestions. And, I'd like to request that anyone who encounters this person online please, if at all possible, make it clear that this is not, in fact, Jason Torchinsky.

I appreciate your help. I eagerly await your suggestions and advice.

One Love, One Bank

Oh, I'm crying here...

At first, you might think this is just another hilariously awful corporate anthem (in this case, for Bank of America). But listen close and you'll hear a satirical skewering of the entire body of music called alternative rock. This guy sounds just like an alt.rock star. And with all of his bogus emotion and studied posturing, he could be singing about ANYTHING: world love, Jesus, corporate mergers ... sure, he can do that.

(Thanks, Jay Boucher)

Home Depot's hot air

Now that Charles and I are homeowners, all of the energy I usually pour into Stay Free! has, for the time being, been directed into renovating our house. Lesson #476: Avoid Home Depot at all costs.

I know what you're thinking: why would any educated person trust Home Depot services? The place is a glorified hardware store, staffed by employees who can't tell a hammer from a hand saw, let alone point you to the correct aisle. And yet, seduced by an ad for "high efficiency" hot water heaters and promises of a lifetime guarantee, we agreed to let Home Depot's contractor install a new hot water heater.

Home Depot's advertisement bills SmartWater as a "high-efficiency" water heater, but the government's EnergyGuide label reveals that the model is markedly less efficient than other hot water heaters.

It was only after the new appliance was in that I saw the federally mandated notice on its side,  which compared our new water heater to similar models. According to government tests, the Home Depot heater -- aka SmartWater by General Electric -- is actually significantly LESS efficient than other water heaters.

...which makes you wonder: SmartWater may be "high-efficiency," but compared to what? Burning candles in the fireplace? Turning the stove up to "broil" and opening the door?

When I called Home Depot to find out, our sales person put me in touch with the tech support contact at GE. When I first asked this gentleman if the heater we received was high efficiency, he said no.... but after I explained the problem with the ad, he talked to his boss and corrected himself. It turns out that this heater is "high efficiency" because "it's the highest efficiency [Home Depot] sells."

Brilliant. By this reasoning, H3 is a fuel-efficient car.

Update 12/7/2006: Looks like we're not the only ones burned by the Despot. NBC investigates Home Depot customers' "horror  stories."

TV show seeking stories about TV

This just in: some indie TV producers are putting together a documentary series about the influence of TV on dating, and are looking for victims. I know this because I got an email from Proper Television complimenting us on  "The Media Made Me Do It" from Stay Free! For all of you in TVland:

WANTED: GUESTS FOR NEW SERIES ABOUT TV-INSPIRED DATING

Has your romantic life been influenced by a TV show? Ever tried a pickup line from your favourite sitcom, soap, or reality show? Are you, or anyone you know, having great hookups (or terrible ones) because of lessons you learned from TV? Is your relationship successful (or ruined) because of what you've learned from TV?

If so, TVTropolis's new documentary TV series wants to hear your TV-inspired dating stories.  Give back to the tube as it has given to you. Maybe someone watching will be influenced by your story and the cycle begins anew.

Email us with details of your story at televisionresearcher@gmail.com including your name and location.